a monday night meditation

Something that I’ve been asking myself lately is “what on earth am I doing?” and it’s a genuine question. Feelings of doubt, joy, fear, and excitement have been rattling around inside my heart for quite some time. When I first signed up for the World Race, I was filled with peak enthusiasm. I thought, “I’m 17 and leaving the country for 9 months.” It was a seemingly simple truth. Now that more time has passed, I often find myself thinking, “I’M 17 AND LEAVING THE COUNTRY FOR 9 MONTHS?!” But lately God has been comforting my soul through some simple reminders.

The first reminder is of His gracious, generous love. Romans 5:6-8 says, “For while we were still helpless, at the right time, Christ died for the ungodly. For rarely will someone die for a just person–though for a good person perhaps someone might even dare to die. But God proves his own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” It’s a true possibility that someone may be willing to die for a good person. A person who deserves to be protected, whether because of innocence or integrity, whether out of duty or love. But it’s absurd to think that someone would die for a person who is not innocent, but guilty. Not righteous, but wicked. And yet, that’s exactly what Christ did for us. He sacrificed Himself and paid the debt that we owed but could never pay ourselves. If that love isn’t comforting, I don’t know what is.

The second reminder is of His greater plan. A friend of mine recently gave me a copy of Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis, a missionary and author who left everything to serve the Lord in Uganda. In the introduction she writes, “But as I look back, I can see that God spent my whole life preparing me for the life he had planned for me–the people He placed in just the right places at just the right times, and circumstances I could never fathom would eventually be for His glory.” It’s often easy for me to lose sight of the story I have. The fact that I was born and raised in California, moved to Oklahoma at 15, gave my life to Christ, met a community of people who are incredible influences on my spiritual walk, and am now preparing to do international mission work for 9 months frequently escapes me. Not because I’m ungrateful or purposefully overlook these things, but because it’s just who I am, it’s a part of my everyday life. It’s my story. But to think of how amazing it is that God knew I’d move across the country, meet the people and have the experiences I have, is absolutely wild! But the thing is, God didn’t just know these things, He intentionally planned every single aspect. He is the author of my story!

So whenever I ask myself the question “what on earth am I doing?” or whenever I wrestle with those feelings of doubt and fear, I will be reminded of the Lord’s merciful love and purposeful plan.